Complex whims

I'm walking down that lonely road again
Somehow it seems the only road to walk
For someone who is deemed too loving
Or far too tender, yet, to love

Thoughts on voluntary loneliness. Freddie Mercury once said that "I am loved by thousands, but I feel like the loneliest man in the world". Sometimes I think I know what he meant. Not that I know what it feels like to be loved by thousands, not really. But I do know what utter, inconceivable loneliness means. And it's not always that visible. Or obvious. Freddie was an extravagant, outrageous, extrovert performer - yet extremely self-conscious in private. Very much alone, with his thoughts and troubles. Because although he let the audiences in on his life, his crazy ideas, although he was a party boy beyond belief and possessed an irresistible humour; he adored his friends, as they adored him; he apparently didn't let anyone up close. At a certain point, he closed the doors, he barred the journalists and inquisitors out. He didn't do many interviews of a personal kind, he protected himself; the unmistakable entertainer was in reality a rather quiet man. That's the mentality I claim to be familiar with, that's a matter which I can understand too well. And, consequently, identify with. It's the main difference between sociability and intimacy. You can be loving, caring, open-hearted, but at the same time secluded. It's perfectly possible to exist like that, and get away with it; without anyone noticing; to lead a perfectly comfortable, simple life with a double identity of sorts. A mixture of excessively forthcoming and charming, but also reserved and distanced. But it's not always that easy to cope with it, to manage the two opposites and still feel one's fulfilling one's true idenity. It causes frustration. Freddie lived in, and from, the limelight. Of course, the press covered not only the glamorous side of his personality, they dug deep into the darkness of it as well, at least they tried, and that's how we've come to know that even the Bad Guy himself had really bad days; that he struggled with his own demons, a profound insecurity, and wasn't as flamboyant as people would profess. Sometimes I wonder what the folks around me are like, once the friendly attitude is turned off, once they're by themselves and can depend on nothing but the silence. As for me, I crave this atmosphere. I need to be on my own, but not necessarily in a negative sense. I just prefer to keep the ourwardness to a specific level that I can control. And there are moments when I say stop, when I withdraw, when I seriously need my privacy. Not having to discuss or at all communicate with anyone, just sit in peace and leave the world be. Because the world isn't so easy to deal with. Not for me. There are two aspects of this; the fact that I do have demons I have to face, along with many others, and moreover: the want to face them alone; to face loneliness alone, for instance; not wishing to share these experiences, this knowledge, with the outer realms - even though, arguably, it could have helped me if I put them on more public display. But no, I don't think so. Some people simply don't function that way. We like the barriers, because we see no other options. That doesn't mean we're in pain, that we should be treated for some kind of self-induced suffering, which is also why I'm writing this. It means that if I remain silent for some time, if my friends see that I need a break, I sincerely hope they will respect that. And mostly, they do. Because they know the feeling; many of them feel the same way, quite often. There is no "either/or" basis to this situation. Oughn't be, anyway. You're not either purely social or purely introvert. This also applies to celebrities; why must they share every detail of their lives with the press, once they've done a good job with a film? Why must we reveal everything about ourselves, the minute we decide to be socialising creatures? I regard it as much more appealing to be a complex individual, who admits to her faults but doesn't continually let it send her off into the shadows. Yes, surely do I pose a difficult character, surely do I have my serious flaws. But whilst I tend to hide these, and want to keep them hidden, I won't be hiding myself. It should be allowed to combine the various states of mind. The various sensations, notions, twists of fate. Yet, I have to say, there are moments when I am indeed genuinely unhappy. Naturally, there are. And I couldn't discuss this with anyone, even if I tried. I wouldn't. There are many reasons for this change of spirit - I could name a few, but I won't. I could tell you why I shut my mouth here; I'd be afraid to get hurt, I hate emotional exposure, I hate confessions, I loathe being worried about - but it hardly matters, in the long run. For, then again, I do return from these moody corners to smile at the sky. It just takes a while. I am not a plain case to pinpoint, I am aware of that. Yet it doesn't make it any more acceptable for outsiders to speculate or draw hasty conclusions. I don't want the questions. I want the simplicity of frequenting social places. I want the simple joy of casual conversation and fooling around. And then I want the safety that is retreating to my own chambers, and not letting anyone disturb me. That's all. Like Freddie, I have a sense of exaggerated self-protection. Albeit blogging, being an active student, loving my friends, going out. I have strict limits. They prevent me from being easily understood, and leave me a more annoying than mysterious person, in many cases. But I won't adapt or lower my guard. I won't lose myself. Hence, the morale is, don't judge by appearances. Don't make up lies or inaccurate assumptions concerning the nature of people you meet. Give them a chance - and don't intrude. Personal domains ought to be considered personal property, and that's holy. Give people the space they need to be exactly who they are. With all their whims and strange occupations. Demons and subtlety included.